I did not want to believe I had prostate cancer. As a gay man, I had heard horror stories of how prostate cancer ruins your body and your sex life forever and basically destroys your life to the point that it's not worth living. My initial plan was to do nothing and go for quality of life rather than quantity, but my husband literally cried and begged for me to get treatment, so I reluctantly did.

I did five sessions of SBRT and was put on monthly Lupron shots for what was to be six months. I had a very bad reaction to Lupron. Physically, the symptoms weren't too bad, but mentally I began to have thoughts of suicide and spending hours crying and unable to enjoy anything. I was switched to Orgovyx and, about a month and a half later, the mental side effects abated somewhat but the physical ones got worse: all the muscles I'd spent years in the gym building started to disappear, I began to get a belly for the first time in my life, my penis and testicles shrunk and all my body hair fell off except on my head.

I *was* determined not to let ADT cause weight gain so I've been working out like a fiend. Weightlifting 4 days a week, aerobics 6 days a week, and walking my dog for 90 minutes every day. I replaced breakfast with a protein shake, stopped eating lunch, and eat normally for dinner. It's worked--my weight has stayed the same.

ADT put a strain on our relationship. The first three months were OK. 100 mg of Viagra worked for me, though my orgasms were weaker. After that, I only got semi-erect and became unable to have orgasms. I went through the motions of sex, and then went off to cry where my husband couldn't see my anger and frustration. In my mind, I blamed him for making me go through the treatment and destroying my sexuality.

Even worse, when I went to see the doctor four months into ADT, I was excited because I only had two months to go and was told Orgovyx wears off very fast. However, the doctor told me that, because I lost a testicle when I was young, there's a good chance my testosterone will never recover. This sent me into an angry doom spiral. I asked "why wasn't I told this before I started treatment" and did not get a satisfactory answer.

I started to have depressed and suicidal thoughts again, but this time I went to see a therapist and have been taking depression meds which are helping. I'm nervously awaiting November when I will have been off ADT for a month and will see if any testosterone has come back or if I'm destined to spend the rest of my life as a neutered dog. My PSA is currently undetectable, though, so that's at least something.

Things are getting better with my husband. I realize that his wanting me to have treatment was out of love for me. He has been patient and we have foreplay sessions that don't lead to anything, which is better than nothing.

I avoid watching pornography or even anything sexual on television because it triggers me and makes me angry and sad that I probably will no longer get to do any of those things. However, I'm also enjoying family and friends, going out again, etc. So, I wouldn't say prostate cancer completely ruins your life, but I will be honest and say it greatly diminishes it.

John's e-mail address is: jsr26 AT msn.com (replace "AT" with "@")