1/29/20: My first entry. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the age of 51. I have a brilliant wife Jennifer - she is 36. We currently do not have any children, however my wife and I decided that cryopreservation of my sperm before treatment would give us options should we decided to move forward with a family. I am very conflicted about the morality of bringing a child into this world knowing that I have prostate cancer but reading the survivor stories on this site has made me sanguine about the possibility of becoming a father someday.

My own father died of prostate cancer at the age of 81 on August 13, 2013. At diagnosis it was confirmed that he had metastatic prostate cancer which had spread to his bones. He decided not to pursue any treatment and died eight months after diagnosis. I also have a younger brother who is 47 and prior to my diagnosis for prostate cancer we had been estranged since my father's passing; cancer pushed us apart, but it also has brought us together. This disease continuously reaffirms that it behaves in peculiar ways. I convinced him that he should get a PSA test.

It's been six weeks since my surgery, specifically I chose robotic-assisted radical laparoscopic prostatectomy as my treatment option. The shock of my diagnosis, and the degree of my anxiety and depression since my surgery and understanding the implications of my pathology report have consumed my soul and have left me with feelings of profound loss which still persist.

My first PSA test after surgery came back as undetectable for cancer. I cried when I heard that news - well it was more like sobbing: uncontrollable, sporadic, release. I savored the news, as fleeting as cotton candy melting on your tongue, but completely satisfying. I am still waiting for genomic testing information which I hope will guide me in my next steps; will I be better off having adjuvant or salvage therapy? Back to the anxiety, my new normal. But that cotton candy sure was delicious.

I hate labels but it seems a necessary evil in the telling of our stories. Perhaps these unasked-for tattoos will quickly convey information and in some perverse way promote fellowship and camaraderie. Here are my cancer tattoos:

Biopsy: 07/26/19 Diagnosis of prostate carcinoma, PSA: 8.0, NCCN unfavorable intermediate risk, T1cN0M0, Gleason 4+3 = 7

Pathology report: 12/13/19 Diagnosis of prostate carcinoma - pT3aN0M0, Gleason 3+4=7, 15-20%, intraductal pattern present, focal ECE L lat, marg neg PSA 8.

Thanks for reading, but most of all thanks for sharing.

John

John's e-mail address is: johndenverav AT gmail.com (replace "AT" with "@")